The Howler

Brain Drain

A boy's journey into the dread of The Test

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Treyton Williams, Staff Writer

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The Test.

Every man, woman, and super senior at Monarch High School dreads it. It is the epitome of stress, preparation, and lowered GPAs. It takes on a different physical manifestation for each individual. For some, it is a history final. For others, it can be the language arts midterm essay. But for poor old Billy Circumstance, it’s the first test of the year: The quiz for the first chapter of his math textbook. Let’s dive into Billy’s head and see how he fairs with his test, shall we?

*Woosh*

Ah yeah man, gonna ace this! Studied for all of 15 minutes. Why would I need to do any more? It’s only September and it’s the first chapter. What the heck could be on here?

Name: B-I-L-L-Y-C.
– Ha. First question down. On a roll here.

1.Given a slope of m=3, find the dictation of the hyperbole of the sun’s surface area.
– What.
Uh. Hehe. Yeah. Well, there’s always one problem like this. Better move on and come back, it might make sense later.

2. Using the tangent line of F= qrstuvwzy(and)z, find the secret of the fifth Norwegian expedition to Arabia.
– What the heck is Norwegian? Is that like a parabola? Uhh. Let’s see. I recognize the letters so let’s write some random ones down and get some partial credit.

3. Solve for X. 4= 2x
– So, wait, there’s TWO X’s? Which one am I supposed to solve for? And how does a letter equal a number?

4. 2+2= ?
– IS A QUESTION MARK A VARIABLE NOW?!?!

5. If Johnny had three apples and you ate two, how many apples do you have left?
– Well this one is simple. They’re Johnny’s apples, not mine, so I have zero left.

6. Using the answer to the problem above, calculate the rate of extinction of Granny Smith apples in the Eastern Hemisphere.
– 2068.47 apples per year. Finally, an easy one.

7. How are you today? 🙂
– Oh, crap, I KNOW this one….. uh. Good, I guess.

*Woosh*
You get the point. Everyone faces challenges, it’s up to the individual to face them, and Billy, sweet, innocent Billy, should probably study from now on.

GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS!!!

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